chronic people displeaser
and why directing a movie is beating the codependency out of me
One of my most respected and trusted collaborators recently described himself to me as a ‘chronic people displeaser’.
He has confident, self reliant energy, isn’t afraid of conflict, and is decidedly focused on honoring his own needs and desires. If I’m the person who is to be pleased, this would make him a people pleaser. This behavior pleases me because it aligns with my values…
…but since chronic people displeaser may conjure images of someone who is a an edgelord or rage-baiter… maybe we can call him a chronic self-pleaser? Or chronically authentic? Choose your fighter.
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I like being told what people around me honestly think (for the most part). It helps me understand where they stand and prevents me from having to guess (or be punished for not guessing correctly) what their desires, intentions or needs are.
As one of my intimacy coordinator mentors said— “I can’t trust your yes if I don’t trust your no.”
I also have a habit of staying friends with (some) people I heartily disagree with. As long as they’re respectful, our values don’t need to be entirely aligned because, frankly, that seems boring. (And like a recipe for staying the same forever and not getting invites to weird parties where I can get my limits pushed, find inspiration, and consider new points of view.)
That being said— I still have a nervous system that wants to be liked and accepted and told I’m doing “the right thing”. Blame evolution. Blame my hunter/gatherer ancestors that needed a group around them to survive. Blame the primal brain or whatever, but: praise and criticism are two sides of the same sword— cling to either of them and I cut away at my own values.
I recently saw this video where a YouTube creator described this concept well. She spoke about how praise is people telling you that what you’re doing aligns with their values, and criticism is people telling you that what you’re doing does not align with their values.
If I try to do “the right thing” based on praise, criticism, or someone else’s values— I’m straying from my own values.
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I work in a creative industry, and I can’t escape this praise/criticism/my-own-values conundrum daily as I’ve been navigating the wild ride of directing my first feature film.
Directing a movie is amazing, exciting, cool, horrifying, scary, all the feelings…but what it’s mainly done for me is start to beat the last remnants of codependency out of me.
When I say codependency I mean, depending on the circumstance of the day, the urge to oscillate between all four of these archetypes—
—and what it really translates to is my tendency to ignore my own instincts in favor of keeping the peace or appearing ‘nice / easygoing / not difficult’.
I mostly blame my childhood label of ‘strong willed’ and ‘bossy’ (I was)… or seeing a copy of “The Difficult Child” on my parent’s nightstand and knowing it was about me. Whatever the cause, I emerged into the world hell bent on proving to myself and everyone else that I’m nice and easy to work with.
The thing is though, that when making a film the goal is not to be nice. The goal is to deliver creative work that aligns with the directorial vision I pitched— and that requires a delicate balance of following my internal instincts as well as engaging with and sorting through the instincts of my collaborators.
On set this manifested as realizing that decisions I would make throughout the day would make one department or person happy and piss off another. “Let’s go for one more take.” = Actor happy, DP happy, AD unhappy. “We can’t finish lighting that space as nicely as we wanted to before we shoot, we’re losing shooting time…” Cinematographer unhappy, Gaffer unhappy, AD happy, Production happy. You get the gist. I started to get really used to at least one person being unhappy with my decision at all times.
In post, It’s been amazing to see the array of responses to cuts of the film. A friend I trust will call me with a strong opinion of a scene I should cut or alter… and then the next day someone else calls and says to touch that scene at all would be a crime against the film.
My job through all the stages of the film, at least as I see it— is to become the sieve for all these thoughts and instincts flying at me, thoughts and instincts that are indicative of other people’s values— and to sift them until I find what resonates with mine.
For someone with an inner child that is convinced they’re a horrible-difficult-person… it’s been a baptism by fire to be completely unable to please everyone— because it’s forced me to step deeper into a truth I’ve known for a long time— we can never and will never please everyone around us, nor should we.
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To wrap it up, I will say— little me has been vindicated as of late when a family member said “you know, none of the kids would have done anything like that if you hadn’t forced them too”— yeah that’s motherfucking right! Being someone that spurs the action isn’t always the highest praised position in the moment, but damn it if those spurred don’t sometimes thank you for it later. (These days, at my ripe age of thirty three, with a hair more wisdom— I try to only spur willing participants that are asking for it.)
I was always roping the kids into making films, doing performances, and the a’capella group with my sisters that ended up going pro. Another family member told me that a theater show she was involved with had gone off the rails and that they could have used a bossier director (gasp!!! like me!!!) with a stronger and swifter ‘no’ to keep the vision clean.
Here’s to you, little bossy Corrin with a vision. Its all for you, baby!
Obsessed with this, and with you 💚 thank you for always sharing.
I love this so much. Deeply relate.